How to Talk to Your SO When You're Stuck: Imago Dialogue, An Intro

New name, new post, new me! 

Same old issues.

Relationships. They're so damn difficult.

As promised, I'm delivering the basics of the Imago Dialogue, the hard reboot to re-imaging your partner... not as easy as it sounds, but I know for a fact it's worth the effort.

Quoting straight from my textbook here:
"According to Imago Theory, the bottom line is this: Nature has put together two totally incompatible people--injured at the same place developmentally and missing opposite parts of themselves--in an effort to get their developmental needs met and to regain lost parts of themselves."

Sounds a little like a twisted fairy tale in a way, right? (Now that I think of it.. pretty much all fairy tales are like that..) Maybe you and your partner (or ex) are not "totally incompatible", but there are those little things in every relationship that really just get on your nerves and seem to always come back.
So how do you talk through something that never seems to be resolved?

1. Your baseline / Your "why" = Commitment
In any emotional change, this is important and seems like common sense, but if you aren't quite at the point of wanting or needing (or being able to afford) therapy, you want to make sure you're committed to the cause. (Not committed to like, marriage or even a relationship label, just committed to making a change.) Often when people come in to couples therapy, they would like their partner to be "fixed", or just the "problem" partner believes they need to change.

But, as much as we don't want to admit it, both people in a couple must commit to their own personal growth and understand how both of your vulnerabilities interact. So when I said "re-image" your partner earlier.. I meant, you have to do the work.. to change the image.. that you have.. of your partner. So yes, you are doing the work. And they are too.

When someone asks if we need personal growth

I might start a tough conversation with goal setting, believe it or not. If both of you are able to at least agree on a goal, "reduce our fights" or "figure out how to talk to each other" or "stop hurting each other", something as basic as that can keep you from getting derailed.

2. Safety
Just like any science experiment or cooking venture or sports or physical exercise: safety first. Think of this as an emotional workout--it's gonna be difficult at first, maybe even awkward and definitely exhausting. And you're gonna have to practice again and again, so you don't want to get injured doing it!

Creating safety in an emotional sense means soothing your trigger-happy reflex of getting angry, defensive, frustrated, upset.. by prepping for it! The Imago book talks about basically finding your happy place or memory in your mind, having it ready for the moment you start feeling challenged or afraid. For me, it isn't so much a place or a memory as much as it is a statement of personal truth, such as "I am worthy" or "I can get through this". In my opinion, think of whatever gets you through a tough workout at the gym or a long trip on a delayed flight. Remember your commitment, remember your goal is to work together and this requires listening as much as it does expression. 

If it's hard to finish a conversation without getting upset, work in timeouts or a "pause" word to give you both a few minutes to go to a safe space (physically and emotionally) before resuming such a difficult talk.

3. Stretching
Now this is really starting to sound like a workout. Except when you workout, stretching is the easy part. In Imago therapy, stretching is actually the heavy lifting.

What are we stretching? Our "weak" social-emotional muscles, if you will. There are four expressions of energy in Imago Theory: thinking, sensing, feeling, & doing. Typically we are strong with two and challenged by the other two.

This is best done through example.

If you know me, one of my favorite movies is Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. I knew Indy was meant for Marion; she is as tough as he is stubborn.

The part that Indy is missing is probably his feeling/sensing expression.. stereotypical of how guys have been socialized (hopefully that's changing soon!) while Marion is probably weaker in her thinking/doing expression. (Stereotypical, yes, but it was the 80's still.) 

Indiana is a loner. He is the definition of the lone wolf, the 007 of the archeology world. He manages his life by doing and quick thinking; that's why we love him, right? No plans, never seems to see danger coming, but always has a way of thinking on his feet. The opposite of the loner (in Imago Theory) is the caretaker; Marion ran the bar and took care of her father. She fell for Indy, a man who never seemed to respond to her care.

maybe he'll respond to this

Marion might ask Indy to recognize her when she's upset and notice out loud that he sees her; Indy might ask Marion to talk out how she's feeling and take action rather than fuming about an argument (and hopefully that action isn't to start flailing him with a frying pan). In this way, each partner has to try out the part of them that was muffled or repressed in childhood--the part that keeps them from being whole.

One more time couldn't hurt though.

If you're able to have a safe space with your partner, I would try out asking each other to make one behavior change for a week, and make it specific to how many times a week; then reevaluate at the end to see what worked and what you can change. It could be the refresh you need to stop having the same argument/battle/war over and over again.

The main goal is this: you want to get to the point in your relationship when one person can express a need and the other person can work to meet that need, and vice versa. 

The beauty of this brief scene where they finally stopped fighting wasn't just the romantic sensuality but the fact that Marion asks him "Well, where doesn't it hurt??" And he has the chance to actually say what he wants (sort of) and she responds with affection--which.. I think both of them really just need some TLC. ❤

There are tons of couples therapy techniques for walking through those 3 steps, which is why I definitely want to cover how to find a therapist to help in the near future! But this is good for now. I want to say a quick thank you for reading.. I'm working on being consistent and helpful.. please message me or comment if you have questions or suggestions. I'm loving writing and getting my ideas out there.. it's a real treat to get these out every week so thank you for all of your support so far!!