Post-Traumatic Cheating Disorder: Why It Hurts So Bad and How to Start Healing

And now.. another fun topic: cheating.
Even if you've never experienced it yourself romantically, we all know the feeling of the pain of being promised one thing and receiving less or nothing at all. Cheating is a break of trust; as social creatures, our very survival depends on trust. So it makes sense that it's a pretty big fricken deal when it happens.

There's actually no such thing as "Post-Traumatic Cheating Disorder" but there has been research done on the neurological impact of a romantic affair, and the effect is similar to that of PTSD, short for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, often most associated with those who have experienced war or violence. In fact, people who have been cheated on can experience similar symptoms, such as: re-experiencing the event, numbness, and hypervigilance (thinking every tiny thing is a sign of danger of an affair happening again).

Something I've been telling my kids this week at school is this: your brain actually travels in time when you remember things in the past or you worry about things in the future. The limbic, or mammalian, brain has no concept of time. Past, present, future?--doesn't even compute. Whatever is "happening" in the mind is always happening now.

Another interesting thing about the brain--physical and emotional pain are not any different in your brain. It activates the same regions of the brain, leaving you and your prefrontal cortex trying to figure out where to massage when no specific body part is aching, but your heart has been broken.

for those of you looking for more nerdy brain facts

Therefore, when something as awful as the broken trust of your closest human attachment hits your brain cells, it's labeled "Code Red" and every time the memory of it is activated, you feel a jolt in your stomach and warning indicators light up your vision. Your body responds to the emotions attached to these thoughts; you feel in your body what you felt back then or what you anticipate feeling later.

me asking my emotions what they did

If brain facts aren't your thing, maybe attachment theory will help. Attachment theory has a lot to do with our romantic and close personal relationships because we learn from our primary caretakers as infants/children what it means to attach to our social tribe.

There are 4 main attachment styles. To help me illuminate.. one of my favorite series ever, Harry Potter will help [also, if you haven't seen any of the films.. there are a lot of spoilers ahead]:

Secure

Preoccupied/Anxious

Dismissive-Avoidant

Fearful-Avoidant

If you're curious, you can take this very short (3-4 minute) survey (survey B) on what your attachment style is. And yes, it can change!

So what does this have to do with cheating?
Each of these people could be cheated on; our attachment style tells us how we deal with the pain. And it also tells us how to start healing!

1. Secure
In a nutshell, you aiight. People who have secure attachments can operate under the notion that people come and go, that things grow and fade, and that one relationship ending is a part of their journey but does not mean anything about who they are.

Hermione is a perfect example; [spoiler alert, but it's been like ages now] she and Ron fall in love and then Ron gets real jealous and makes a big mistake and abandons them on their quest to search for the horcruxes. Her response? She is extremely hurt, and yet, she is determined to finish her quest to help Harry and though worried for his safety, she is not frantically trying to find him, nor is she claiming he doesn't matter or that she doesn't care about him anymore.

she is really mad at him though. and that is perfectly understandable and healthy

2. Preoccupied/Anxious
This might be obvious, but preoccupied/anxious babies cry wildly for their mothers/fathers/caregivers during studies and they are constantly looking for them until they are found; if left long enough, they give up. Their parents were often unpredictable, perhaps in one moment being comforting and loving, and then in another moment unable to be found, or even harsh and critical.

They also become distrustful of their caretaker, which turns into distrust of romantic partners in adults, which looks like: fear of commitment, 'desperate/clingy' behavior, seeking approval from others, hypervigilance, self-criticism, and/or anger/resentment when your partner isn't giving you enough attention.

Lavender Brown was Ron's fleeting snog-girlfriend who loved to makeout with him in the hallways but didn't get much deeper in understanding who he was. She was often running the hallways looking for him, and she was of course extremely jealous of Hermione, who he had real affection for.

It's a lighter example, but anxious attachment can have a lot more depth to it. You may even be in a committed relationship, but you'll find yourself having fights about what time your partner comes home at night; or you're posting selfies or pictures and getting discouraged or hurt when people don't like or comment them; or you're constantly chasing after someone who doesn't seem to feel the same way about you.

3. Dismissive/Avoidant
If you have ever said, "I don't care about them anymore" then you've delved into the way someone who is dismissive/avoidant solves their problems most of the time. You take being an "independent woman" or a "true playa" to the maximum level--your reaction to your parents' absence was to convince yourself you could figure out how to do this on your own.

Draco is the perfect example of dismissive/avoidant. He constantly spent the 7 years of his school-life telling everyone he was the greatest and needed no one to help him. He would antagonize and then run away if problems became too difficult. ...Until it was the worst possible place for him to be and he couldn't escape.

4. Fearful/Avoidant
Oh Ron. Ron. Ron Weasley. 

Fearful avoidant is close to dismissive, but instead of insisting that you don't need anyone, you say that you need someone and then push them away. Or avoid them altogether.

[also very old spoiler alert] In book 4, Goblet of Fire, he and Harry get into a long stiffened silence (can we call that a fight?) when he gets jealous that Harry is going to be a Triwizard champion. Up until this point, Ron and Harry have been nearly inseparable, but Ron actually hasn't shared many of his insecurities with Harry. Ron's jealousy pushes him away. He does the same thing to Hermione, asking her to the ball "as a last resort" when he really did want to go with her, then bullies her about her date/his idol, Viktor Krum. Fearful/avoidant will often seek closeness and then do things to make the other person upset or angry, which makes their close friends and significant others extremely confused.

Hermione always knew. So brilliant.

Beginning to Heal

Cheating will only exacerbate the attachment styles 2-4. It's another reason in the pile of reasons not to trust people.
Each attachment style will need to heal in their own ways, but this is a good baseline for all of them.
To start, my recommendation is to start securely attaching to yourself and be the loving parent for your inner child self that is stable and kind:

• Recognize that your reaction to cheating isn't always about the cheating. It's about your past trauma too. So this trust violation is going to be a reminder of the past trust violations you've had in the past, tracing all the way back to the way you felt when your parents left you alone and they were nowhere to be found. Your emotions could be inaccurate / disproportional to the thing happening right now, because it's compounded by what happened before.
• Take steps back. Freeing yourself from the person who cheated, even if you're still together (which is totally possible, and when overcome makes the couples even stronger), means taking time out for yourself, focusing on the things you value most. 
• Connect with more people who aren't your significant other (or ex) more often. Talk to them about things that matter to you. 
• Do things that you like because you like them. 
• Set a boundary, whether it is in time and/or space, for when you engage with things that upset you quickly. Set limits, make sure you see them or talk to them or text them or whatever exposure you can with them--on Your terms. If they are constantly invading your space, whether by popping up on your phone or showing up where you are, you will feel less in control.
• (If you're wondering, yes, I had to do this myself - and I am slowly edging myself out of anxious attachment if you hadn't guessed already!)

Okay that was a long one, you deserve a prize! Thank you for reading always.. I'm feeling so much love so thank you thank you thank you!!

Sources: Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy with Trauma Survivors, S. Johnson 2005; PsychAlive.org; PsychologyToday.com