5 Relationship Mistakes I Made That You Can Avoid
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| Photo by Valentin Antonucci on Unsplash |
Back at it again, edging the personal with the lists of social-emotional insight.
Also topic is on point for Valentine's Day, right?
Also topic is on point for Valentine's Day, right?
The more I do research for this blog, the more I realize that we are creatures who enjoy lists... and at the same time, I wonder if list after list after list makes us feel more accomplished than we actually are because we have our problems laid out in solvable "3-10 step" lists. But... well, here's another list, because it helps me organize my flood of thoughts!
Mistake #5. When times are hard, this means they are worth it.
That's my current phone wallpaper for my lock screen. Since 2011, when I moved away from home into a world without friends or family and instead the challenge of a demanding job that broke my heart in a million pieces, I have had versions of this image on my phone. Every hardship makes you stronger, right?
One of my dear friends, when I was going through a particularly painful breakup, said to me: "Being in love should be easy. Life will always be hard, but being with the person you love shouldn't be." And at the time, I couldn't believe what he was saying to me. If it's too easy, doesn't that mean it's not worth it?
All of my long term relationships started with some sort of crisis or sticking point that made things extremely difficult right from the get go. Maybe it skewed my vision of what a relationship’s natural progression might look like, but it seemed that if we could get through the first part, we could get through anything. As time went on, things got harder, and I assumed that's just how relationships are.
I was used to relationships being uncomfortable, hurtful, even painful - not because of anything we were doing actively to each other, but situations around us compounding one after another and the lack of self-awareness we both had for ourselves and our individual needs. When you’re used to weathering the storm, it’s possible you can seek the storm to keep the spark of your initial attraction.
The crises faded, and we became two ordinary people living ordinary lives, left with the reality of the “love of your life” being an actual human being and not a concept.
I remember telling myself, we’ve been through so much and it’s changed us into such better people. It must be worth taking the chance, keeping our relationship alive.
And we had changed into better people; we couldn't have gotten through such hardship without each other.
We were also suffering, making things harder for each other instead of working together, becoming less of what we wanted to be, feeling torn between the one we were with and our own needs and goals. It’s a hard truth to reconcile and even harder to discern. But when I learned to recognize the difference between hardship for the sake of growth, and hardship for the sake of hardship - that difficult times didn’t necessarily mean we had to stay together, I finally felt more and more like myself again... which enabled me to be more authentic in each of my relationships that followed.
Mistake #4. Things being good some of the time are a sign that it’ll get better, eventually.
This is not meant to be ominous though I realize it might come across that way. Being with someone who you love and care about will always have its ups and downs. But particularly in one of my relationships, things seemed only to get harder and harder, with glimpses of sunlight only to crash back into months of storms.
The lovely moments seemed so few and far between that I used to bask in the moments we would laugh. I remember leaning my head on his shoulder and trying to savor that a tiny slice of existence we shared had some semblance of joy. The other problem with things being regularly difficult - the moments of peace and clarity seemed so much more worth it.
I thought that our happiness would eventually multiply, that we would push through every dark cloud for a few more months, years, until finally we would burst into fields of golden light and rainbows. I’m not sure how many dark clouds one has to go through before one realizes they’re only getting darker.. or if you can really stop yourself from sliding downhill, but I know I basically had to hit rock bottom before I recognized that I didn’t want to be there anymore. And it hurt. A lot.
I suppose there are many people who are having hard times with their significant other, weighing out what that means for them. In my view, if your needs are both being met and you're both agreeing on their conditions, regardless of what's going on around you - you'll find peace and happiness somewhere in those ups and downs of being a human in a relationship. If one person is getting more and more needs met than another or the conditions are continuously contrasted between the two of you, it's time to let go.
Mistake #3. Take the general public’s opinions of your relationship too seriously.
I am gonna chalk this one up to high school naïveté, but I stayed in a relationship for a long time fueled by the opinions of others. I always write about "asking your friends their opinions and advice because they are reflections of who you are and who you want to be". But of course, being a teenager, we were still figuring out our identities and our beliefs - and as teenagers will do, they would loudly declare that we were the “reason they believed in love” and that we were “perfect”. My friends and classmates all saw a lot of good in us. We were all teenagers trying to figure out who we were and what we wanted from life. Both my boyfriend and I were great friends and good people. And for the times we spent together, we really did need each other and grew a lot from our experiences.. at least speaking for myself.
I also wish someone had told me that two good people doesn’t mean a perfect match.
In our current world of likes as social currency, I do think this concept is still relevant though. I'm guessing many people out there are holding on to relationships because of how good it feels to be together socially or to post a picture or video and see everyone's flood of hearts and kissy emojis on your screen.
Of course we will turn to others for insight and advice. Now that we are adults, turn to the people who are invested in their own self-development and genuinely recognize you as someone who will constantly grow, change, and love in different forms. These people will have better insight into what you may need in your relationship endeavors.
Mistake #2. Tie yourself up in someone who feeds the narrative you want to believe in but you know deep down cannot be true.
This is probably the most difficult one on the list because this happens when you have a lack of self awareness. So to avoid or alleviate this, you really, really have to get to know yourself - the dark, sad, stinky, shameful part of yourself— then also will yourself to accept it, be better, and deal with it.
That's the tallest order anyone could ask of you. Some people spend their whole lives and money and time and jobs and relationships tackling this issue and never quite figuring it out.
I wanted to believe in the real life romantic comedy, the "Disney princess" adjusted for modern times. No matter the odds, we would overcome them. No matter the dangers, we would come through unscathed. And despite the deep wisdom in me that said, “I cannot possibly start a lasting relationship on the premise of a lie,” I pushed forward anyways into very tumultuous relationships because I wanted to feel better, I wanted to run from my guilt and self-loathing, and conveniently so did he.
We made it last a long while, and in the end, I think it hurt much more than it would have if we had ended before we started - or at the very least taken some time for personal insight.
Mistake #1. Making mistakes means you’re ruining your chances at finding your “one true love”.
I do like endings with a slight twist.
As much as I wish for each of you to avoid pain and heartbreak and long bouts of confusion and suffering -- if I hadn’t made the first four mistakes, I wouldn’t have anything to write to you about today, and I wouldn’t have the knowledge and experience I bring into my current relationship. So the title of this blog is a bit deceiving... you CAN avoid these mistakes, but if you've made them... or are in the process of making them now, it's really a challenge for you to improve rather than a mark of shame.
The trick is this: learning to make a different choice when the difficult thing comes back. It's the make or break moment, and if you mess it up - trust me, it will come back.
I can say that every day that I am in my relationship, I can trace the moments I have made better and better mistakes into the successes and joys I have today. I can see reflections of the good things I wanted from each of my previous relationship that I've managed to find in my relationship with my current significant other ---- not because I won the lottery... if I could change everyone's mind about dating in one way it would be this.
I did not "get lucky". It certainly feels that way, it sounds so romantic that way. I've said it to myself many times in moments of awe and disbelief. "How did I get so lucky?" We write songs about it. We watch sappy love stories of that moment that a person "catches a break" and lands the person of their dreams by some fortunate series of events.
Doing real work means making mistakes and improving upon them.
We work hard to become the person we want to be. Emotional work is the most difficult work you will ever do. We write movies about it, we write novels and epic series of novels about it. We read and binge shows because we want to watch characters change and work hard to become something more than they are in the beginning. And when we work on ourselves, we tend to find the people whose self-development journeys link up with ours... sometimes we even fall in love.
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| I mean we all hope it's going to get better for you, dear Jon. We really really hope. |
The lovely moments seemed so few and far between that I used to bask in the moments we would laugh. I remember leaning my head on his shoulder and trying to savor that a tiny slice of existence we shared had some semblance of joy. The other problem with things being regularly difficult - the moments of peace and clarity seemed so much more worth it.
I thought that our happiness would eventually multiply, that we would push through every dark cloud for a few more months, years, until finally we would burst into fields of golden light and rainbows. I’m not sure how many dark clouds one has to go through before one realizes they’re only getting darker.. or if you can really stop yourself from sliding downhill, but I know I basically had to hit rock bottom before I recognized that I didn’t want to be there anymore. And it hurt. A lot.
I suppose there are many people who are having hard times with their significant other, weighing out what that means for them. In my view, if your needs are both being met and you're both agreeing on their conditions, regardless of what's going on around you - you'll find peace and happiness somewhere in those ups and downs of being a human in a relationship. If one person is getting more and more needs met than another or the conditions are continuously contrasted between the two of you, it's time to let go.
Mistake #3. Take the general public’s opinions of your relationship too seriously.
I also wish someone had told me that two good people doesn’t mean a perfect match.
In our current world of likes as social currency, I do think this concept is still relevant though. I'm guessing many people out there are holding on to relationships because of how good it feels to be together socially or to post a picture or video and see everyone's flood of hearts and kissy emojis on your screen.
Of course we will turn to others for insight and advice. Now that we are adults, turn to the people who are invested in their own self-development and genuinely recognize you as someone who will constantly grow, change, and love in different forms. These people will have better insight into what you may need in your relationship endeavors.
Mistake #2. Tie yourself up in someone who feeds the narrative you want to believe in but you know deep down cannot be true.
That's the tallest order anyone could ask of you. Some people spend their whole lives and money and time and jobs and relationships tackling this issue and never quite figuring it out.
I wanted to believe in the real life romantic comedy, the "Disney princess" adjusted for modern times. No matter the odds, we would overcome them. No matter the dangers, we would come through unscathed. And despite the deep wisdom in me that said, “I cannot possibly start a lasting relationship on the premise of a lie,” I pushed forward anyways into very tumultuous relationships because I wanted to feel better, I wanted to run from my guilt and self-loathing, and conveniently so did he.
We made it last a long while, and in the end, I think it hurt much more than it would have if we had ended before we started - or at the very least taken some time for personal insight.
Mistake #1. Making mistakes means you’re ruining your chances at finding your “one true love”.
As much as I wish for each of you to avoid pain and heartbreak and long bouts of confusion and suffering -- if I hadn’t made the first four mistakes, I wouldn’t have anything to write to you about today, and I wouldn’t have the knowledge and experience I bring into my current relationship. So the title of this blog is a bit deceiving... you CAN avoid these mistakes, but if you've made them... or are in the process of making them now, it's really a challenge for you to improve rather than a mark of shame.
The trick is this: learning to make a different choice when the difficult thing comes back. It's the make or break moment, and if you mess it up - trust me, it will come back.
I can say that every day that I am in my relationship, I can trace the moments I have made better and better mistakes into the successes and joys I have today. I can see reflections of the good things I wanted from each of my previous relationship that I've managed to find in my relationship with my current significant other ---- not because I won the lottery... if I could change everyone's mind about dating in one way it would be this.
I did not "get lucky". It certainly feels that way, it sounds so romantic that way. I've said it to myself many times in moments of awe and disbelief. "How did I get so lucky?" We write songs about it. We watch sappy love stories of that moment that a person "catches a break" and lands the person of their dreams by some fortunate series of events.
Doing real work means making mistakes and improving upon them.
We work hard to become the person we want to be. Emotional work is the most difficult work you will ever do. We write movies about it, we write novels and epic series of novels about it. We read and binge shows because we want to watch characters change and work hard to become something more than they are in the beginning. And when we work on ourselves, we tend to find the people whose self-development journeys link up with ours... sometimes we even fall in love.
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