How to Be Shameless

Photo by Kevin Jesus Horacio on Unsplash

Aaaaand we are back with a highly uncomfortable blogger: me. 

I actually forgot that I was supposed to write about this next and I wrote a whole different post before realizing that I had promised to walk through a post about uncovering your shame. Without even realizing it, I was avoiding it! Your unconscious really is an amazing, powerful, sneaky thing.

I've listened to Shameless by the Weeknd on repeat for awhile since this has been on my mind (on and off of course until the point when I forgot I was supposed to write about this next). It's a perfect representation of that feeling of falling back on your old vices, sometimes on shame itself, to always tell you the things you're used to hearing - to be more comfortable being told "I'm not good enough" than to actually hear "You are worth so much more than you think" because of how terrifying it is to be more than it is to be less.

someone please buy this for me so I can put it up everywhere

So here I am. As open as I can be without breaking open my whole private life to the world. But vulnerability is necessary for change. 

1) Note areas of discomfort, especially repeated ones.

I have been observing myself for awhile now so this one was fairly easy for me. 

If you've never tried this before, start by 1) recognizing one uncomfortable emotion you'd like to concentrate on (fear, anger, sadness, disgust) and then 2) noting 1-3 things that happen when you feel that emotion (drop in your stomach, tensed muscles, snappy comments, silent treatment, etc.). When you're able to identify that emotion quickly, you can then 3) identify what is happening when you feel that emotion on the surface and then what is Really happening under the surface.

I'll give you a few examples. I want to repeat how difficult this is for me right now, and I do this for a living. So please forgive yourself if you run away from this task and then try again later.

• A) I suggest we go to a concert for one artist, but my friends suggest that we all go to a different concert instead. 
• >>translated>> I'm uncomfortable when it seems like something (or someone) else is more interesting and fun in comparison to something that I like or I suggested to certain people, such as specific friends and significant other. (I am not uncomfortable, for instance, if my mom or sister has a new interest or hobby.)
• B) I am watching my coworker do a presentation for our group to the rest of the staff, and they continuously ramble or shuffle through their notes while talking. 
• >>translated>> I'm uncomfortable when someone else is in control and I feel as though they are representing me in some way while being careless or negligent.

2) Look over past issues and connect them to values.

(I'm telling you right now... as I am writing this, my stomach feels clenched and my shoulders feel as though someone is tightening them slowly with a screw, and I keep stopping every few minutes to look anywhere else but this screen. O M Gaaaaaah this is so hard.)

• A) I have an insecurity about being fun. I want to be liked, I have a rooted belief that reading how people feel should also help inform me about how to contribute to their feeling of enjoyment. I value people's friendship, but I also misinterpret their approval for my self-worth. {OKAY I want to stop now... omg why did I say I would do this...}
• B) I believe I need to be in control and careful in order to be good. 

3) Talk to 2 close friends about what they know about me.

To be fully honest, I didn't do this. Yet.

When I first realized I didn't do what I said I would do, I wanted to rush in as though this was an assignment for school and quickly grab 2 people and say, "Can you do me a quick favor and just say something you know about my insecurities, like in one text? I'm writing a blog, so I need to say something wise and inspirational and vulnerable and stuff. Cool thanks!"

Then I realized, if I do that, I'm missing the point. And talking about my difficulty would be more meaningful.

So here it is: I can blame my lack of follow through on "work is busy" and "life is busy" and "I'm emotionally spent" but the fact of the matter is, these conversations are vulnerable and therefore difficult to have. And I had time I could have spent, but I didn't. Knowing that I tend to be avoidant, I can do one of two things:

1. Take my lack of follow through as evidence that I should give up and move on from dealing with my shame. Or..
2. Notice my avoidance, remember that it's one of my clues that something important is happening - and re-commit myself with new supports to complete my task.

Clearly having a hard time talking to other people about myself is not unique to me. It's a weird conversation to bring up. I want to support myself by making a date with at least one friend this week, and even *attempting* some kind of question about what they think of me... I'll chalk it up as a win. 

Or at least a step towards my imminent victory.

As long as we are going in this general direction and we keep going... I mean, we are gonna get there.

Obviously there are many more things you can do to tackle your shame. I'm looking for some right now, and I will continue sharing them always.

I'm reading "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown, whose videos I posted at the end of the last blog post, (a feat that also took almost a week, even though the library had the book and it was very easy for me to just get up and get it) and you should read it too.

In the event of a "Shame attack" as she says, she suggests the following:

When you've done something you feel ashamed of and you get that immediate rush of "ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shiiiiiiiiiiiii--" and the messages of "you're such a f*cking idiot" start pouring in, she references a woman named Caroline who gave her this strategy: 

Say, "Pain, pain, pain, pain" over and over again until you can refocus. 

It sounds crazy, but I am sure it works - you're interrupting your lizard brain and you're naming exactly what your body is experiencing: pain! When you panic, your mind and body separate - naming your pain brings them back together.

actual footage of your mind and body separation

Then: Get Support from Someone You Trust. As you just read, I know how hard that is. I'm re-committing to it because I know it's worth it.

From her 2 pages in her book alone, I was about to write for another hour in this blog. But let's practice some pacing and take that for now. 

I have so many hopes and dreams for the coming year, so I really appreciate the people who I talk to and say that I have made a difference in their lives through my writing. Thank you for keeping up with me, and thank you for taking the time to read everything I'm working on. You are a light in my journey and I'll keep looking to you!